BDSM

Does pain for pleasure dominate your fantasies?

For a look into pleasurable pain...

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From Mary
I am definitely into it, but I don't know how to handle it. I discovered I love being spanked. The slaps go right to my clit. Not knowing when the next one comes turns me on. Most of my lovers I've been with liked or at least didn't mind spanking me. But that's as far as it goes. I'd like being tied up and blindfolded, whipped or caned maybe. I'd like to try and find out if that's really my thing. But as much as I'd like to put myself in someone else's hands, I refuse to call anyone my master. Giving away control, fine, but equality is important for me.

From J.Espadero:
It's very sad that some people have to give themselves over to letting others inflict pain on them in order to get to the point where they can receive love and affection from the other person. No one who takes over another person and inflicts pain in the guise of bringing them to a higher level of sensual pleasure truly loves and cherishes that other person. Done often enough the mind loses the ability to distinguish between pleasure and pain which is not only mentally and emotionally unhealthy, it is dangerous.

Submitting and totally surrendering to another when trust and love are the foundation for the relationship is an entirely different matter. Certain sexual acts (anal sex being the most obvious) and positions (taken from behind) enhance the feeling of surrender and submission for the one and dominance and control for the other. But when people start bringing in hot wax and whips, etc., that is when a different type of relationship is taking place and to call it love, trust, etc. is a misnomer.

That being said, anything two consenting adults wish to do in private is certainly a right to be protected. Just don't call it love and confuse it with a loving relationship. It is a relationship born from a need other than to be in an intimate and loving relationship with another human being.

From Anonymous
Never done any actual BDSM, but I am hugely turned on by the idea, and often use it as a fantasy during sex or masturbation. I am not into pain or humiliating domination at all, but the thought of being helpless and completely exposed to my lover is highly arousing. I tend to do what I consider "pretend" bondage, holding my arms up or out, lying spread, opening myself and relaxing completely, imagining myself completely at his mercy, and the orgasms are simply mind-bending.

From Suzie
My partner and I do not live a BDSM lifestyle, the thought of it makes me cringe. We live fairly boring day to day lives and he does far more housework than I do. If he ever tried to tell me off or punish me, I don't know what I'd do, but it wouldn't be pretty! 

But our sex is always BDSM related in someway. For as long as we can both remember we've had 'kinky' fantasies. Mine started before I was ten. I dreamed about being whipped and dominated before I even knew it was a sexual practice. That's why I know it's not wrong or perverse, it's just something in me. I'm the submissive, the masochist if you like, in the relationship. I like pain. When the endorphins are flowing I like a lot of pain; my faves are when he uses a leather flogger on my backside or pinches my nipples really hard. I love him to pull my hair too. But, to be honest, and I get the sense that this is the same with a lot of BDSM practicing couples, the pain is only so wonderful because it is part of the submission. 

I'm a wimp with a really low pain threshold in day to day life. I hate hurting myself accidentally and I take paracetamol at the first sign of a headache. And it wouldn't turn me on if he just grabbed hold of me and hurt me. The pain is only a small part of the much greater whole. 

 I don't like the thought of pain for pain's sake, or of being cut, branded or scarred in anyway as a result of it. That's not for me. But if pain is an element of my total sexual submission, then give it to me, please...I'm begging on my knees.

From Mark
My wife does what I want in the bedroom. She (her choice) does not make any decisions on sex. She enjoys being spanked, having her back clawed, and bites. This has led me to fisting her, anal is one of her favorites, and having her tattooed for my pleasure. Seeing how far I can take her is fun for me. Some things have not worked so we don't go there again. A good top knows the bottoms pleasure is in their hands. So you better do it right. I must say this style of sex was new to me. Now I get excited thinking of new positions, and if I see it's a bit painful to her all the better.

From Marie
I am a middle aged woman now but when I was in my mid twenties, my then husband and I were into the BDSM thing. He always fantasized about other men having me. One time he had me to be dressed in garter belt, hose and spike heels and lay on the bed on my back with both legs spread wide and tied up in the air. This position left me completely open and my husband and two other men would take turns giving me oral. This went on for at least two hours. This was only one of the wild things that we performed.

From Cat
I didn't try this until my early 40's. For myself I like bondage, the feeling of me not having any control. I'll fight and yell but through it I will come. I think most of this relies on your partner and if you trust them or not. A safe word is a must. As far as me with a male I like to have all the control.The 1st time I experienced this I was afraid I'd hurt him. It was off the chart! I was on such a high that someone would ask me to do things that seemed unreal and that I allowed myself to do them.

I also had a few times with a woman and that was different. All the factors were the same except that there was tenderness throughout. Watching her come as I came behind her stinging her ass was delightful. My favorite thing was biting her neck it was the only thing I did that I know she disliked. Gotta keep control. Now I am vanilla and I miss some of that kinda play. Just not trusting these days.

From Lisabet Sarai
BDSM does not necessarily involve pain. I'm rather surprised (and dismayed) to read some of the other responses suggesting this. The fundamental principle of BDSM is power exchange - the submissive voluntarily renouncing his or her will and control for some period of time, and the dominant accepting that power and the attendant responsibility. Some practitioners never include pain in their scenes at all.

That being said, some people (myself included) do find certain kinds of pain arousing, but (in my case at least) only in the context of this surrender and connection. People who aren't turned on by BDSM find it difficult to understand the attraction and I'll tell you the truth - even when you're in the midst of a scene you find yourself asking yourself whether you're crazy! Are you really eager to be spanked, whipped, pinched, or whatever? If you're like me, and you look deep inside yourself, you realize that the honest answer is yes.

In any case, BDSM has nothing to do with abuse. It can be cathartic, empowering, and lead to a deeper, more loving relationship. I speak from personal experience.

From Anonymous
I have just recently been interested in bondage. It took several requests for my hands to be tied before my husband would do it. I am very turned on with my hands being tied above my head with a silk scarf. Now I would like to take it to another level and have my hands and legs tied spread eagle. Can't explain why I enjoy it. Maybe just being submissive and letting him be totally in control.

From Grey
I think that Bondage and S&M is unhealthy. Love making should be loving not punishing and humiliating. Just because you have sexual fantasy about it and just because it turns you on, doesn't mean it is right or good for you. Critically ask yourself why it turns you on? Why do you feel you have to be mistreated? Why do you want to punish someone else? There are other reasons that are being projected into your sexuality. Nothing beats equality in the bedroom, nothing beats tenderness, affection and love!

From StormBorn
I have been in and am currently in loving relationships where BDSM was very much a part of our lovemaking, as is tender "vanilla" sex. I don't enjoy 'normal' pain--I'm such a wuss that breaking a fingernail will make me cry! But a careful and sensual stimulation of nerve endings, building from the subtle (biting, scratching, etc.) to the extreme (hot wax, whipping, nipple and labia clamps and the like) is something entirely different. Reaching by stages that space that is neither he nor I, but something we have created between us--that space that can hardly be described--is a deeply loving act. More than the pain is the joyous freedom of surrendering power to the one we adore, expressing our love by the gift of ourselves, totally.

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