Impotency

How Do You Handle It?

Here's a peculiarly male problem, impotency. The older I get, I find heretofore 100 percent reliable parts occasionally let me down. No I ain't talkin' 'bout the Chevy. So, what do you say to her when the pan flashes, but the old musket misfires? Sorry, the powder must be damp?

Any of you guys confident enough to admit to impotency, a system crash in the middle of a performance? Have you ever looked into her eyes, desperately apologetic and mouthed that old chestnut, "Gee, that's never happened before"? Or, did you carry on hoping she didn't notice and pray for an instant 'reboot'?

Ladies, how do you handle impotency? Do you try to be supportive "Aw, Honey, it's okay. It happens." Or, as I was instructed, "You're exhausted. Go to sleep. We'll do it in the morning." Or, have you expressed alarm and disappointment. "What the fuck happened!"  —Bob

An erection is a mysterious thing. There's always that fear, each time one goes, that you won't be seeing it again.  —Kirk Douglas

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From Doug
I'm a 63 year old male with a nervous system damaged by vitamin deficiency.  For almost 10 years, I was not able to have a dependable erection.  I learned the ESO extended orgasm methods and studied tantric sex.  Cialis helped considerably after it became available.  Taking an effective brand of methylb12 and adenosylb12, incidentally contained in a traditional tantric meal in vegetarian societies, along with omega3 fish oils and other factors, restored sexual functionality to me after 10 years or so of Cialis usage.  I don't currently need Cialis.  I still only have about 20% of normal feeling in my penis so that can be a problem if not handled carefully.

In the normal course of sex we engage in oral and manual stimulation as well as intercourse.  Losing my erection at a particular time merely changes the timing of various sexual practices.  As my partner is very responsive she may experience any number of orgasms or extended orgasm from and during oral, manual and penile stimulation over a period of 1-4 hours of sexual activities.  We specifically engage in the Taoist 7 (or more) stages of orgasm.  I really enjoy sharing her strong  orgasms as I using my tongue and lips on her clitoris and labia.  It's a total delight.

From Bill
I am a 46 year old male. I was in a long term relationship for 17 years (my first GF) and I moved out amicably 4 years ago. I am hugely inexperienced and so far I have only had sex with 3 women in my whole life (I was a virgin when I met my first GF).

My LTR became a platonic sexless though loving relationship after about 4 years and I thus found myself single at age 42 not having had sex since the 1990's. I have discovered since that finding love is a painful process with many pitfalls. I also discovered that my sexual motivation/desire is waning with each passing day. The two ladies I have since had sexual relations with both experienced my inability to climax and also frequently my inability to get an erection.

The first lady I dated didn't mind because frankly she was extremely selfish and once she had climaxed she generally lost interest in sex, got dressed and went home. I came twice during our 8 months together, she came every time and more than once (I made sure to please her orally, fingers, vibrator, dildo etc.).

My most recent sexual partner was much more loving and not at all selfish though even more experienced than me, she was a virgin and has never experienced orgasm, my first GF was the same, plus neither of them masturbated (if they are to be believed) which I still find unusual. If anything my erectile dysfunction has been even worse. I've tried viagra a number of times but I dislike the side effects (headaches, flushed face and thumping heartbeat) and also despite giving me an erection it made my penis rather numb so I couldn't orgasm.

On the whole I find ut a very depressing experience and I feel somewhat stupid to have remained in a sexless relationship when I could have been with someone else enjoying the physical side of love and now it feels rather too late. I am sure there are other reasons for my inability to "rise to the occasion" including the rather tenuous nature of my current GF's affection for me, trust and intimacy issues. So here I am aged 46 resigning myself to a future never having sex again. I would like to meet someone and start a family (I have never married and never been a parent) but I suspect that's an impossible dream now. For what it's worth I'm reasonably attractive, 6 foot tall, slim and athletic, healthy eating, teetotal non-smoker. I did get checked out 2 years ago when I first noticed the ED but tests were inconclusive, though I was cheered by the test result which said that my testosterone levels were above average and just below the upper limit for normal. The irony of this is not lost on me...

From Irving
My wife and I are 64 and I have had problems with ED for the past 5 or so years.  It turns out my wife no longer prefers penetration so we have plenty of sex without intercourse.  We have lots of necking, petting and hand/genital foreplay.

We neck and have lots of breast and genital play.  We use a moisturizer/ makeup remover by the name Albolene.  It is like petroleum jelly but with a lower melting point.  It is not good around condoms, but being monogamous for 40 years means that is not a problem for us.

We like cuddling and spooning.  I will hug her back and fondle her from pussy to tits until she is quivering all over.  We flip over and she does the same to me.  When we can stand no more, she lies on her back while I lie on my side beside her.  I spread her legs and finger her pussy, skipping to her belly and nipples until she is quivering all over.  I take one nipple in my mouth, stretch my left hand to fondle the other nipple, and finger her with my right hand.  I make it last as long as I can and slowly bring her to orgasm.  Once she calms down and I often give her a second or third climax.  She will then start on me.  All the while I have been stimulating her I go through varying stages of erection from firm to soft.  I often go soft when extending her for a second or third cum.  I may or may not get erect when she starts on me.  Sometimes I ask her to tie my hands and slowly stoke me off while sucking my nipples.  When I come she keeps on stroking while I am super sensitive and it feels like torture and so intense.

Sometimes I cannot climax that way so I get astride her on my knees and start masturbating myself.  She continues to stimulate my nipples and balls.  She will put clothespins on my nipples and stimulate me until it hurts.  I beg her to remove them which stings when they are removed.  I come on her chest and she says "OK, big boy, clean up your mess" and I lick my semen off her chest.  We lie there and cuddle and fondle as long as we like.  No kids to worry about interrupting us. 

From  Anonymous
This was a problem for us for nearly 15 years. No drugs, prescription or otherwise, helped. I am 56 years old. I do not drink, smoke nor abuse drugs. I am in excellent condition, with a long history of athletics. A few months I had a my annual physical. It was discovered my thyroids were close to completely inactive.

My doctor apologized because, he said, all evidence showed I had suffered from this, unchecked, for "a decade and a half." He also apologized because he said doctors tend to not check men for thyroid problems, though it is often the first then checked in women.

I have been taken thyroid hormone replacement for 3 months now and have returned to full sexual function. I no longer suffer from depression, and many other symptoms have disappeared. I wasted much money and time and lost total faith in myself because the doctors were treating the wrong things. Before you waste money, time and emotion on drugs and toys, Rx and over-the-counter, first get a complete medical check-up and leave nothing unchecked. If something in your body quits working, there is a reason.

From Ted
At 59 years old, with high blood sugar, I was having trouble getting an erection hard enough for penetration. Half the time if I could get an erection it would fade before either of us could have an orgasm. I finally figured out I had E.D. related to my type 2 diabetes and mentioned it to my doctor. She gave me some samples of Cialis and a prescription. Problem solved.

With a little stimulation I can get rock hard. Penetration isn't an issue at all anymore. With the confidence of knowing I can maintain my erection, we're having hard pounding sex again. The advice for anyone having erection difficulties is, simply, get over the embarrassment and say something to your doctor. I should have done that a year earlier

From Nancy
This is to Malcolm [see Malcom's entry below]: My husband died of prostate cancer when he was 75. He was not able to achive an erection for many years before that. But our sex was good anyway, we played with sex toys, oral sex, lots of cuddles.

I'd give anything to have him back. Impotency is an insignificant price to pay for cancer survival.

From Malcolm
I'm 79 and about a year ago I was diagnosed with prostate cancer.  After treatment I found that all trace of cancer was gone.  Part of the treatment was an implant of Zoladex, a drug which turns off the gonads by working on the pituitary gland.  The makers say it lasts for three months.  It lasts longer, of course.  It's shrunk my balls and I can only just manage a weak erection.  No ejaculations, since my prostate is destroyed by the radiation from a linear accelerator.  But I do have an orgasm - from masturbation. 

I asked my doctor for a prescription for the very expensive Viagra or its equivalent.  He gave me one for Levitra.  I've tried it twice, but after an hour, with stimulation from a loving partner, NOTHING happened.  The erection was no better than I can manage without it.  I only just managed to get it in the vagina, but was so disappointed that I had to give up.  I'd had three of the implants during treatment, the last one two months ago.  It seems I have to wait for the last one to wear off.  It could take six months.  That's the price for cancer survival!

From Leo
This is for Jane: [see Jane's entry on page 2] You think you solved the problem cause your man probably came over his limp. I am limp after a surgery taking my prostate away. The doc told me how many percent of people can have an erection after such an surgeon. And I am well informed about how to make my wife having a nice orgasm.

BUT if I need to have one too? It don't work to masturbate a limp cock though! And even if I know the penis isn't the main thing in the world so just the knowledge of non ability to insert a nice warm cock in a woman's vagina give affects to my life. I know there are women that need the real thing not an artificial dummy.  I am sorry Jane.

From Jimmy
I'm 68 and my wife is 63, very fit, slim, healthy married couple of over 35 years.  We enjoy our sex, have done so since well before our wedding day.  Thanks to our diet I was the proud producer of an exceptionally large amount of sperm during lovemaking, something my wife appreciated during both oral and vaginal sex.  Then I lost the ability to maintain an erection during lovemaking.  My visit to the doctor diagnosed ED and I was put on a month's supply of Viagra. 

It worked.  But I went from one extreme to the other.  From being limp I went to 8 hours or so of being permanently erect.  Not only that, during erection my penis length went from 6 to 8 inches.  That extra size was a bonus for my wife who received a lot more satisfaction both orally and vaginally but a big difference and fresh excitement for her during anal intercourse, she enjoying a number of orgasms since my 8 inches reached well into her rectum, a degree of penetration and satisfaction she hadn't received before when I have taken her anally. 

We are now back to enjoying sex three or four times a week but with my erection much in evidence come day break we now enjoy regular morning sex sessions of anything up to an hour.  However I have to be careful about dressing with an erection still in evidence.  My wife's younger sister (57) stayed with us for Thanksgiving, over breakfast saw the bulge in my pants and thought she was the reason for my excitement, said something to my wife who then told her about my 'medication'.  Like a performing seal I was asked to reveal all to sis-in-law and, with my wife's blessing, she fellated me through to climax, my wife looking on with a lot of pride in her husband's potency, sis-in-law much appreciative of my length and full hardness in her mouth, and, on climax, my high volume of sperm, 'rich and very tasty, the best breakfast she'd had in a very long time' she commented.

From John
I'm in my mid-50s and ED is the result of surgery for early diagnosed prostate cancer (lesson I learned guys, swallow your pride and lose the inhibitions - get checked). I've just had a three part pump implant and I can't wait to try it out (I have to wait 6 weeks.

I did a lot of research before I decided to go with it but I figure that the 80% of guys who have them and say it's very successful makes for great odds in my favour. And, hey, if it doesn't work I haven't lost anything.

From Peter
We are both in our late sixties. My wife started a course of HRT patches, a result being her moving from a lack of interest in sex to requesting intercourse each night.nbsp; In time she became more demanding and I found myself unable to penetrate her more than once each evening. After a period of some anxiety we agreed that while we would still engage in sex she would have one or two extra-marital relationships to satisfy her sexual needs.

I went to my doctor and inquired about HRT for me. He prescribed a course of patches, linked to better diet of salads and white fish. In time my desire for sex returned to something similar to my younger days and I was able to get an erection very quickly after climax and penetrate my wife three or four times during love-making sessions that often run to well over an hour. She still has one extra-marital relationship, with an athletic well-endowed younger man, and this I have agreed she keeps since her very fulfilling experiences with him contributes a lot to our mutual husband-wife sexual enjoyment.

From Nervicula
My man started off being impotent since I met him, but he knows how to make love for hours in spite of it.  We've been together for 16 years, and he has never failed to pleasure me by trying things he never tried with other women, and I him.  Although my next one has to have horsepower in his engine.

From Anonymous
My partner and I have been together 20 plus years. We are both in our early 40's, he a few years older than I am. When we were dating, after we'd done oral sex and much kissing, one night I decided I was ready for intercourse (I was a virgin. He was not)

After making out for a while in my bedroom (I was living at home still, but we'd done everything else in that room and had ample privacy) I offered myself to him, and he was unable to "perform". He was anxious and taken by surprise and we had no birth control. I understand (now) completely why and it was probably a good thing, in retrospect, since I was temporarily insane and past caring if I got pregnant or anything, and it was like his inability to be erect saved us from a potential disaster. At the time, I felt a bit humiliated and as if I had really done something terribly wrong. Soon after, we had sex in HIS room (he also lived with his parents still) and it was wonderful. I still suspect that he would have prefered to "do the deed" for the first time on "his turf", and that this was a major component of his "dysfunction" that first night.

Can't say he's had a problem with this since, but I suppose it is relative. As he has aged, his erections have tended to be less hard/large, and he's begun to have some issues with reaching orgasm at times (I can tell he is just really having to work for it sometimes and will begin to lose his erection before he comes...hasn't happened yet, but close) and no, his volume and force of ejaculation are not what they used to be. And his libido is not either (and it never was as high as mine, except in the very early days when he was just up for it all the time; it waned back to normal for him after several years. Has been declining since.) There are many times when he is simply not in the mood. I won't label that "impotency", since when he is in the mood or even when I manage to coax him into a mood, he still "gets it up" easily.

Now, I will admit, it can be difficult (see? I didn't say "hard") for a woman (or male partner, I suppose) to not feel as if such things are somehow a reflection on them and their desirability. I will admit that I sometimes feel less desired and as if there is some lack of love/desire due to me being the partner. Even when I know, rationally, that such things are often natural symptoms of age and stress (which we've had more than our share of lately) and tiredness (ditto). The same way I feel highly desired and sexy when my man gets hard just kissing me, stays so hard, fucks me wildly, and shoots huge loads into me. Other side of the coin.

Thing is, many women tend to judge themselves more than they judge the man when this happens. I guess as many men tend to blame themselves if the woman doesn't come; like, "I couldn't turn her on enough". Both are, imo, usually erroneous and futile views of what is usually a much more complex situation.

There are times when I do not lubricate as easily as I once did, or come as fast (into peimenopause already, and while I am mostly more horny and orgasmic that I was before, every once in a while I get these fluctuations, very similar to what some men get, I think, as far as troubles with erection/arousal and climax) it happens. He accepts it and we work around/with it.

An aunt of mine was married to her second husband for, oh, I don't know, 20 or more years before he passed. He was impotent for many of those years due to health issues, but she loved him deeply (and he her) and they enjoyed, according to both, a blissful sex life minus erections. I always thought that was beautiful.

To men out there worrying about it, keep looking for someone who will love you for yourself and be open to alternative methods of loving. To women, be open to it and don't blame yourself or him. That said, I think sometimes such problems are a sign of a lack of trust or desire, but more often are related to other factors.

From Anonymous
I had that "going limp" problem four or five years ago. Ever since Viagra, I've been a new person. A urologist just checked me out again and I am good to go for another year! I love sex and no need to worry about "limpy" after taking as little as half of the 100mg pill. And, I am 75!

From Kogan
I just wanted to say how much this site has helped me figure out what's been going on with me lately. I'm nearly 19 years old and recently found out exactly how embarrassing "going limp" is. I didn't know what was wrong with me, the girl I was with I'd been dating for 6 months and we'd had sex many times before. In retrospect, I realize that it was probably due to the fact that we had been at a dance club for the past 5 hours and it was well after midnight. I had been thinking a lot about unrelated problems and just couldn't let myself relax.

I was afraid that I was suffering a serious problem after it happened the second time a week ago and I was dreading going to my doctor over it. After reading everything posted here, I'm sure it will no longer be a problem for me. Since I know what probably caused it and how some girls react to it, I'll know what to say if it ever happens again.

Thank you all for your posts, they've saved me a lot of confusion and heartache.

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