Is Cybersex Cheating?

Curious about Cybersex?

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From Definitely Not Saying
Basically I agree with the comments saying cyber-sex is just another way of masturbating. The fact that it is with another real person is being made up for by the whole thing being totally anonymous (the only thing you will ever find out about the other person is an IP address if you want to keep it that way). It combines the thrill of having sex with a complete stranger and the safety of being anonymous and not having any physical contact. For me, there have never EVER been any emotions involved in cybersex (while I was in a relationship) - it was all pure, exciting playing around. And that's what it's gonna stay like and as long as the other person doesn't know neither my face, my email, address, name or phone number, I seriously consider this absolutely MY privacy.

I know I wouldn't mind if my girlfriend did it, and it would probably even turn me on, since I trust her not to take it to the "next level" in the same way I never would. Our sex life never suffered from it neither (and I only did it like 5 times in 1 year - though if we have some disagreements and thus less sex, I find myself looking for some online entertainment ;) and I really think no one should feel (s)he HAS to tell their partner about this - unless you take out the anonymity or find you get involved emotionally. No partner has the right to control your fantasies, it is 100% up to you how much of those you share with your partner. 

Will repeat myself: As long as you don't give anyone in the whole world a chance to have any influence on your real life by giving up anonymity, cyber sex is a very private thing about which you don't have to share information with anyone. It is NOT cheating on your partner.

From Lucretia
If cyber sex is adultery, than so is fantasy, so is pornography. Despite the fact that this subject gets a little controversial because there are "real people" involved, IT IS NOT REAL. True, some people seek each other out and MAKE it real, but talking to someone on a computer is not having sex, so matter how exciting you find it. It’s just an advanced form of masturbation. 

The people in a pornographic movies are real too, but no one considers it adultery until it begins to interfere with the primary relationship. The same applies to cyber-sex. It is only a fantasy, until it begins to impede on the primary relationship. 

The problem with cyber-sex, is first, that is more realistic to imagine that your cyber-lover may become real, than to imagine that the man or woman in the movie or magazine will really fall into your arms someday. Secondly, because most people don’t follow up the porn-fantasy with a continued fantasy of talk about your day, how much your s/o annoys you, and how great the "sex" was. So it becomes easier, once you begin involving the day-to-day stuff to imagine that on the other end lies your perfect mate and that you are "in love." That is when the boundary becomes thin. 

Adultery is often as much what is in the mind as what the body is doing. Two friends may hug or kiss and have it be perfectly platonic. Or they may simply pass a glance across the room that is anything but. So remember ladies and gents, when you are once again swooning in your cyber-lovers arms wondering why your primary can’t be more like them, it’s the thrill of the forbidden at work. Your cyber-lover farts, burps, snores, has annoying habits and insensitive moments just like your current partner, and giving up a good thing for something fake that you think will be better could end up a disaster. And above all, IT’S NOT REAL!

From Cynthia
This particular topic piqued my interest as I've often had discussions with people online exploring this very question. To me, it is quite simple. If you're hiding this from your partner, worried he/she might find it hurtful or offensive, or if the time you spend with your cyberlover is more important than the time you spend with your own family, then it is cheating.

The real harm to a relationship when one partner is cheating isn't about sex. It's about the lies and deception that are woven to hide the truth of what you're doing. It's about treating a relative stranger better than your own spouse. I know. I've done it.

From Anonymous
Why are you/your partner having cybersex? Is it because it's easier to escape into a world online created in two people's imaginations than deal with real life? Is it because you find it a fun and amusing past-time, something on par with a dildo for your mind? If you are trying to escape who you are, trying to live in a fantasy, then cybersex is a crutch you're using to get through life, instead of dealing with your problems. If, on the other hand, it's just a playtoy, a thing you don't take seriously, no different from playing, say Diablo II or counterstrike online for recreation, then there's nothing wrong with that.

Don't go running to cybersex if your relationship is crumbling. Break out of your routine, and go do something with your partner, and sit and talk about it. If you don't like what you're becoming, tell him - and then change yourself! Running away only makes things worse. Communication is the only thing that makes things better. And please, remember - communicating with your partner is not only talking, but listening!

From Anonymous
I can't say that I see it as adultery. It's more like a stranger that you can't see enhancing your masturbation. My husband and I are separated now (not because of cyber sex), but my cyber partner is married. He feels stifled sexually in his marriage, so I add some much-needed excitement. I like to think that maybe I'm helping to spice things up a bit in his marriage, that maybe he tries some of our fantasies on his wife. In return, he has given me some rich material for my erotic writings. One of the pieces he inspired was even published. I suppose it's all about perception, but I see absolutely nothing wrong with cyber sex.

From Anonymous
I've recently started to have cybersex with an 'attached' (his word not mine!) man, I met him on a dating site and yes if he was single I'd be over the moon and madly in love...but I know it's not going to happen so I've detached myself from that side of it. He's got a kid and has said he'll wont leave his partner as he loves his family, which is fine.

Admittedly it took a while for me to come round to the fact that he was attached, but at the end of the day the way I see it is if chatting to him stops him seeing another woman surely it can't be that bad. He has said he'd like to meet me properly, purely for sex but that's a level I'm not happy with. The whole experience has helped me, it's brought out a side of me I didn't know really existed and really rather enjoy. From his point of view I don't entirely know, if I believe everything he writes then he's enjoying it (in a big way!), we only chat during the day while he's at work, so I know there's no (ok...a slim) chance of his partner finding out.

What am I saying, basically this...he loves his family but is bored, his partner has lost her sex drive and he needs an avenue to deal with this...surely cybersex is better than physically cheating?

From Anonymous
I recently had my first cybersex experience and it was really intense. It was with someone I had gone on one date with who had actually written to me to let me know he wasn't interested....without getting too long-winded about how the cybersex all came about, we had an incredible time. I started out feeling timid and eventually got bolder and more free with expressing my desires, my fantasies...the only thing about it was that it was hard for me to reconcile that we could have this kind of chemistry online but not in real life so I started fantasizing pretty heavily about making our online interactions materialize in real time. It ended because he got back together with an ex-girlfriend and felt dishonest if he were to continue.

I understand his point but I was so moved and turned on by our interactions, I probably would've compromised my sense of integrity for it and continued. It was too titillating and hot. I do feel it is cheating, however, because so much of infidelity is not the physical act but the emotional disloyalty that is required. That is more hurtful than the act, itself. I do believe in some open, honest relationships, there can be room to share these experiences with each other and have it fuel your own sense of passion and not have those interactions cause any sense of jealousy or distrust. If you don't have that kind of communication, however, then having to hide it lends it a sense of shame and that is unhealthy for any relationship because you then are forced to hide a part of yourself in deceit.

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