Happiness is…
Sleeping in separate rooms?

Happiness is...

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From Oxartes
Mrs. Oxartes and I sleep apart (but in the same bed; we're just careful not to touch each other) 12 days every month, since orthodox Jewish couples will abstain from physical contact, including sex, for the 5 days of the wife's period and the seven days immediately afterwards every month.  Leaving aside the fact that we do not have sexual relations during this time, my wife and I both find that we like, and even look forward, being able to plop down & sleep by ourselves. Nothing against Mrs. Oxartes, but I just like sleeping all by myself sometimes and I know she does too. It's natural and, I think, even healthy.

From Pat
I totally agree that it isn't necessarily natural or comfortable for everyone to share a bed with someone when the goal is sleep, rather than fun. I think it must have taken me at least 8 or nine years to really become comfortable sleeping with my husband in the bed with me. The biggest bed we ever had was a queen. I would have much preferred a king. I can't sleep at all if someone is touching me. I usually would like a bit of cuddling before sleeping, but when it came time to sleep, I always turned my back and put some space between us. I'm a light sleeper too, so if he decided to cuddle during the night, it always woke me up.

I'm so much happier and sleep so much better when alone in my own bed. I've been doing it for about 12 years now and I've promised myself that if I ever get into a live-in arrangement with another man, we'll have to have separate bedrooms...although one will probably have a larger bed for playtime.

From Rose
My husband and I started sleeping apart, about six years ago, when his arthritis (the osteo kind) became so bad that he had to have two or three body pillows propped up around him so that he could actually fall asleep without something hurting.  Well, that didn't exactly leave a whole lot of room for me, so I'd spend the night unrelaxed in about 1/4 or 1/3 of the bed trying not to move or disturb him too much.  Both of us snore and he had some issues with sleep apnea. It just got to the point where, probably five of six nights a week, neither of us was getting a decent night's sleep and that was resulting in fatigue, irritability, lack of focus, and increased depression.

I think it's somewhat unnatural to sleep with someone else's arms and/or legs draped over you or trying to sleep fit up close against them.  At least that's how it feels to me.  Even an arm draped over me feels so heavy on me.  A leg draped over me is positively confining. And most of the time, being up close and personal just gets too hot. And I don't mean hot in a good way.  I mean like having to throw off the covers because it's too damned hot from the other person's body heat.  I do like spooning to start, when it's a little chilly in the room, but once the body heat warms up the undercover space, it's,"Okay, enough of that," and I want to feel unencumbered by body parts that aren't mine, so I can actually fall asleep.

For the first twenty or twenty-five years I was married, I bought into that idea that if you didn't sleep together, there was something wrong with the relationship, even though my husband never expressed any such belief.  I think he would have been perfectly content having separate rooms, or at the very least separate beds, all along.

From Malcolm
Life is funny. We have separate houses under the same roof, but we sleep together 99% of the time. I have to have really annoyed her for her to move back to her own place. Using my bed means that hers, upstairs, is available for the frequent friends/guests who stay with us. (We have four double beds and a few bunks in the house.) She has sleep apnoea and I have to cope with the CPAP machine and breathing mask, but she's also had heart trouble in the night and I've had to get the ambulance to take her to hospital.

We DO have separate kitchens, computers, and phone lines. Not to mention our own space in our own houses with our own books, furniture and so on. We can each have our own friends to visit without having to share or impose them on the other. Of course we also have mutual friends as well as relatives visiting from our families.

This works very well for us, and people have said they'd like to try it. But building the space to make it possible can be expensive.

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