Swing Clubs

What goes on at these parties?

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From Tyler
Reading Tina's very helpful guide, [see Tina's entry below] I guess my wife and I were a 'tourist couple' when we had our very first partner swap experience.  It happened in Rio, we were staying there during carnival week, a mid-scale hotel with a disco club in the basement which we discovered had a theme for every evening.  Wednesday night was couples swing evening, the hotel inviting couples staying at the hotel to attend, offering a free cocktail as an inducement.  If you were there it was assumed you wanted to swap partners for sex, not in the club itself, partners to return to their rooms for sex. 

We are in our early forties, married for 13 years, enjoy our sex and, being slim and good looking, we've both had many opportunities for extra-marital sex but never indulging.  On the night in question we went out for a meal, returning just after midnight.  In our room my wife suggested we go to the swinger's night in the club.  To watch or join in?  She wanted the latter as long as I didn't get mad.  No, I promised, I wouldn't, be interesting to see if she did meet anyone, what sort of guy she'd select for sex.  We had no condoms but there was a large bowl of them at the bar and we both took handfuls. 

We met a couple straightaway.  They, too, had not done any swinging before and after an hour or so of dancing we decided to leave, my wife accompanying the husband to his room, his wife with me in our room.  The sex was very enjoyable, and my wife reported that she also had a very satisfying time, the husband being very athletic and well endowed.  Her boobs covered in bites, my wife returned the following morning and my partner went back to her husband.  Back home we decided to get into the swinging lifestyle although, so far, we haven't found any couples who we'd want to swing with.

From Tina
I have been participating in swinging for many years and thought that I could add something to this discussion.  First, it seems that swing clubs are being discussed here in a generic manner.  They are hardly all the same.  There are many different kinds.  Some couples may be turned off totally by one kind, but find a "home" in another.

1. On premise clubs - As you might guess, these are commercial clubs where sex takes place on premise.  They generally have a seperate social/dance area/bar, and then rooms for sexual activity.  The may not exist in your area due to legal restrictions.  In that case the off-premise and house party may be more common.

2. Off premise clubs - The best way to describe these are as being a "singles bar" for swingers.  Basically, a place to meet, dance, and drink and then take your party home or to a hotel.

3. Socials - These are less formal "meet & greet" events, usually held at a bar or hotel.  Usually common in areas where off-premise clubs are not available.  The hotel variety may also include rooms for the participants to spend the night and play if they meet someone that they click with.

4. House party - Pretty much like it sounds.  A swing party held in a private home.  Common in areas where legal restrictions prevent on-premise clubs or the lifestyle population is too low to support one.  These are generally non-commercial, but a donation may be requested to help pay for expenses.  Parties are often held on a monthly, or other periodic basis.  In some cases, a house party may be a little hard to differentiate between an on-premise club, simply because the owners/hosts are obviously hosting the parties weekly and doing so on a for profit basis.  Perhaps due to legal issues, they are running an on-premise club in their home.

OK, I just wanted to touch on a couple of other commonly mentioned topics in this thread. 

1. Cliques at clubs - Yes, they do exist, but allow me to play devil's advocate for a moment.  Cliques, by definition are socially based groups, in other words, groups of friends.  Clubs being cliqueish are usually noted by "newbies."  I think what is missed is the large number of newbies that come and go in a swing club.  Many are just "curious" or just want a "naughty" night out.  The regulars at a particular club may be there with plans already made to spend time with their friends.  Or, alternatively, the regulars may be hesitant to invest the time to get to know someone that turns out to be just a "tourist couple."  The regular couple, while perhaps attracted to the newbies, may decide to wait and see if they become regulars rather than waste time getting to know a couple that is not interested in playing with them.  Understandably, this can turn into a Catch-22 situation.

2. Single Males vs. Females - Yes this can be an issue.  On one hand you have club owners and party hosts that fear that their events will be overwhelmed with a horde of single men.  Believe me, it happens.  I've seen clubs that allowed in single men and pretty such that's pretty much all that are there.  The exception are a few couples who are really into large number of men.  The other problem with this is that many of theese single men are clueless as the rules of swinging and how to act with a female swinger.  Obviously, that is not always the case, but it happens, a lot.  Many parties and clubs may allow in a small number of men.  They generally tend to be "made men," that is, men that are known in the lifestyle community and who are generally accepted by the majority of couples.  Let's face it, swinging is a couples oriented lifestyle, and is not a democracy.  Hosts and owners are going to admit those people that fit into their groups and best serve the purpose of their groups.  My husband was between relationships when we met and he was one of these "made men."

Single women likewise can create issues.  Generally they are more accepted if for no other reason than there are a lot less of them.  Its a matter of simple economics in one way, supply and demand.  Many couples may be looking for a single female playmate, especially in the case where the wife is bisexual.  A lot more female swingers are bi than their male couterparts.  There is, on the otherhand never a shortage of available single males.  On the other hand, some partnered women can be very territorial.  A man playing with another married woman is considered safe.  Both partners are committed.  However, whether accurate or not, there is a perception that a single woman amongst swinging couples is "looking for a man."  This can create jealousy and insecurity which may not otherwise exist within a couples only group.  I am not justifying this, but rather just reporting the kind of situations that I have unfortunately seen develop.  The same reaction does not usually occur with single men.  They are presumed to just be there for no strings attached sex, which is usually true.

3. "Sex being too impersonal" - I sort of laugh at this.  I understand that many of the contributors here are newbies and reporting their initial impressions.  I was lucky in that I was introduced to swinging by my husband and he was already well established in the lifestyle.  Due to this, I inherited many of his friends.  To us, swinging is based on friendship.  We've often said, that swinging is like a cake, sex is just the icing on the top.  To me, its understandable that newbies may have this impression, especially if their only experience was a one night stand type of thing with what amounts to strangers.  That is not to say that we only pay with others from our social circle, but when we do play with new folks, its with the thought that they may eventually join that group.  We primarily attend house parties where the other guests are friends, friends of friends, and a sprinkling of newbies.

I've seen a lot of changes in swinging over the last few years, including a huge increase in its popularity.  I think the internet has a lot to do with this.  I'm sure other alternative lifestyles are seeing the same.  The biggest change has been the diversity of people interested in the lifestyle.  In the "old days," it was primarily middle aged couples (mid 30's to 50's), middle income, and primarily Caucasian.  There are a lot of younger couples now and more minorities involved in the lifestyle.  I've also seen a marked decrease in the importance of friendship with a lot of swingers.  "Putting notches on the headboard" seems to be or more interest to a lot of people.  Also, physical appearance seems to often be of more importance than friendship or compatibility with a lot of couples, especially the younger ones.  I suppose this is understandable to some degree.

From Kit
Our experience was a first, also on vacation. We were given a flyer advertising a 'lifestyle club' and over dinner we seriously discussed what was obviously a swingers club and did we see swinging with another person a threat to our marriage (30 years) or was it just a fun thing? We enjoy sex and have sex three or four times a week so we both agreed we'd probably not be very inhibited and would enjoy sex with a stranger.

So we went and we did enjoy. We met with a couple in their thirties, at the bar they made us feel very relaxed, great company, very sexy, so we went off to one of the rooms and had a great foursome. We came out feeling very good about ourselves, returned to the bar and met another couple and had yet another very exciting session.

Back home, long after the vacation was over, my wife asked if I'd be interested in swinging with another couple. Of course, I said, we signed up with an on-line club and are currently looking for two swing sessions, a couple and a single guy.

From Tamsin
What goes on in swing clubs? Well, we went to our first one, in Myrtle Beach, below our hotel. We were very impressed at the good organization and cleanliness of the place, not at all tacky, and the party atmosphere was very relaxing. It cost us $50 each to get in, it was BYOB and we took two bottles of red wine, which we shared with the two couples we met. There was a bar area with a few tables, next door was a disco area and beyond that were the 'romp rooms'. 

Our plan was to swing with just one couple, stay with them for the evening, maybe invite them back to our room. That didn't work out, the two couples we met showed no interest in us after sex, and later when I danced with one guy he groped me badly, inside my skirt, pulling my panties down, snagging my $30 stockings, lacking in any respect, and when I told him to get lost he was abusive.

When I couldn't find hubby I became very uncomfortable and unsafe, left, going straight to our room. Why did we go? Well, we like sex, and while we're married (five years) we think we're a liberated couple and have swung on two previous times, at parties, and enjoyed it. I guess because it's a club behaving in a courteous and respectful way doesn't count.

From MrT and Marie
My wife and I went to our first swing club in NYC, the Trepeez. When we first went there we were amazed of what we had been talking about actually really did go on there. Swing clubs are like this:  

The crowd changes all the time. Sometimes the crowd is young, middle age or older. My wife and I were in our mid 30's when we started and I'm telling you that we have engaged in sexual acts with other couples and it has been great for our relationship. I mean my wife is drop down gorgeous and I'm a former bodybuilder who looks petty good if I do say so.

But when we go to these clubs were looking to get loose and just have a good time and fulfill some wild sexual fantasies that we have. The other people don't have to look like models and we really don't care what kind of work they do or where they live. We just want to get crazy sex wild with them and then give them a kiss on the cheek say thank you and move on and have a drink and maybe meet up with another couple. 

Hey, we're already married and in love with each other. We're just looking to have good sex. The type of job you have or the amount of money you have doesn't have anything to do with being able to throw some good pussy or slam some good dick around. 

So my advice is this: Go to the clubs open minded to just meet people with common interest, and who knows maybe you'll have one of the wildest, craziest sexual encounters of your life. I know my wife and I did and man when we got home we screwed our brains out of each other all over again. The clubs are great.

From Sexyswinger
I have been to 3 different off premise swing clubs in the Toronto region - there are dozens here for all ages and desires.

I have to say, I'm solidly hooked. I go with my husband, sometimes we go with another couple, sometimes we go with another male friend we play with. I love preparing for it, planning the evening, getting dressed, deciding which underwear not to wear. I love going when there are other single men allowed - I find I have much better luck and generate a bit of a fan club on the dance floor. I love dancing so it allows me to bump and grind and get extremely aroused before deciding with which man, woman or couple to take it the next level.

Because of the strict rules of conduct, I feel it is a safe place to explore my sexuality - certainly everyone who attends is like minded, sexual beings. It certainly adds to our marriage and our self esteem.

From SilkyWmn
Hello, this is my first time post here but this topic is something I couldn't pass up. My husband and I have been swinging for about 6 yrs and we are in our twenties. We attend a Monthly swing club in Nebraska. They have themes to dress to to make it fun. It is "Off Premise" but held in a great hotel. There is about 300 people that attend every party. The people which range from 19-50 and always see new faces. We have been attending this same club from Sept. 02' every month. We go even if we are not intending to play. It is held in a reception hall with a professional DJ, and food.

I would recommend if you do attend to go to a club and not a house party. There is quite a few in the area but this one is the best of all. They give out prizes they let us vendor the party with our adult items.

They have "rules" like any other club, here is the rule at one club

RULES OF THE GAME!

• This list of rules is intended to orient those who wish to participate in our club. Anyone violating the rules set forth will not be invited back!
• All guests must be registered to attend!
• No Walk-Ins Allowed!
• You WILL NOT be let into the party without being on the guest list. Sorry!
• For the safety of all involved we must check photo id's at the door. You must be 21 to attend.
• Confidentiality and Discretion are a must!
• All guests will be required to sign a non-disclosure confidentiality agreement when attending a function for the first time. If you do not wish to sign this agreement, we cannot let you into the function.
• We will STRICTLY enforce NO MEANS NO.
• Please respect others boundaries and wishes.
• At no time will any member harass another member.
• If you are signed up as a couple, you MUST come as a couple.
• No Camera's or Video equipment, no matter how much fun it would be! This is for the privacy of all involved.
• No weapons or drugs are strictly prohibited! If you are caught you will be removed IMMEDIATELY and the authorities will be notified.
• No Public Nudity! NO FLASHING! NONE! ANYWHERE! In the party area, hallways, lobby, pool area, or any other place persons NOT associated with our group could see you. If this rule is violated, you will be asked to leave immediately!

Since our club meets in various locations... we are considered an off premise club. This means no public displays or encounters. When we hold our functions in a hotel setting, we will provide a hospitality suite for those not staying over. Visiting the club does NOT guarantee or imply an type of encounter. Any type of encounter is by mutual consent only. Guests are liable for all or any encounters. You will be asked to leave if these rules are violated.

I say at least visit one club and see if you like it. Just sit back and watch the first time. Sign up to any swinger sites and get to know people that attend the clubs. Visit http://www.nasca.com and see where a swinger club is near you.

From Helena Settimana
We've been to three Toronto area swing clubs and to one sex club in the Netherlands.

I really enjoyed our experiences at one of the clubs - it was young-ish, Cosmopolitan and had many members who were significantly not white. Seems this is a bit of a rarity in clubs as a whole and something I appreciate. The operators were people of colour, had some class, were very nice-looking and attracted the same, and I was 100% comfortable as one of the older and larger partygoers.

The other club we visited is run by a couple who also come from the same part of the world. They are older and rather unattractive—particularly the man. He had a reputation of ignoring "No" from female partygoers. He's slimy.

Anyhow—the crowd they attracted tended to be older but upscale, their party location was simply elegant. Still, the hosts were repugnant and I found him to be untrustworthy based on his behaviour. Their parties are legendary, like something from a film, but for me, it was not worth the stress.

Since then we've been to a couple dances organised by other clubs. They're ok—but not really what I look for. Lots of younger people with big "mall" hair, claws and very 'common' attitudes. Call me a snob. I'm not into the suburban scene, but I realise I'm likely in the minority.

Out of the three, I liked the first group the best—obviously.

In all 3 cases though, the overall atmosphere was "no pressure." This works well for us as we tend to come to watch and play with each other. Any club worth its salt will welcome voyeurs IMO. If you're dealing with individuals though, the stakes are likely to be much higher as our experience has borne out. A club gives you cushioning - individuals have greater expectations.

We went to one club in the Netherlands. Same deal—voyeurs welcome and No means No.

Still, I come away with a sense that the whole scene is tawdry. I can't imagine, that if anyone in the group, say, were in that man's situation (facing an HIV test), that he'd be supported by anyone at all. It's not a poly thing. Caring really isn't there - it's sport fucking - which is fine, for what it is, but don't expect more. The people are of really mixed backgrounds so its not fair to generalise about education or socio-economic stuff. Of all the other couples I've met, my favourites are those like ourselves - tend to be non-players or those who are very fussy. We can hang out and enjoy the view - explore at our own speed.

I'm more interested these days in exploring the kink clubs. I think what I am searching for is more theatre, more art, more depth.

Check them out, by all means. There's an org called "Ontario Couples" which is a great place to start looking. You should find them by Googling the name. They're everywhere.

From Dawnstar
I've been to 3 in the past 2 months—unfortunately I spent my time there only as a voyeur. I won't go into what made me go in the first place; but here's what happened and what I know...

Swinger's clubs cater mainly to couples, single males are heavily restricted but single ladies are "always welcome." The first place i went to w/ girlfriends to check it out and we were late and everyone had already hooked up. There were common rooms and private rooms and lots of fucking. It was an older crowd and not very attractive (but not because they were older) w/ some exceptions...90% white...yawn. It was weird because for a place that was supposed to be "deviant" (others opinion—not mine) the actual sex was somewhat vanilla ...not many sex noises even...and I wanted to see freaky shit. I did however meet a nice couple that talked to me about the various clubs and informed me of all the rules and such.

2nd place was closer to town, younger crowd but still a "couples" night. This one had a dungeon too. Got MANY offers. My girlfriend and I were being watched and the first man who talked to us, got the scoop, found out we were single and not gay and then we sat on a couch and received callers all night. No one interesting though, but there were more black men and black couples there. Want to go back to that one on a singles night...

3rd place was in FL—my friend had quite a time there once but alas; my single girlfriend and I might as well have been wallpaper. It was couples night but the only night I was in town that I could go, so I wanted to check it out. No action—but I had a Ron Jeremy sighting. Very amusing.

I also recently scanned a book in the bookstore called The Lifestyle. I forgot who wrote it but it may be worth a read for anyone interested in the lifestyle. I found out from the book (the writer was NOT a swinger and has been writing articles about it and doing research for a while) that the "rules" in these clubs include no male/male action and no anal sex. Also, the regulars seem to always "hook up" with the same folks over and over, safe sex is widely practiced and the incidence of STDS amongst the regulars seems very low. There was also some interesting stuff in the book about female sexuality—about how women crave multiple lovers, especially during ovulation and how civilization has repressed that. Also, in most swingers clubs and communities, women call the shots. At the second place, I met a man who had been in the scene since 1987 and he told me the night before a woman came in and asked to be set up with 3 or 4 black guys. The proprietors of these clubs want the patrons, especially women, to have a good time and if you are looking for something specific, they will try and accommodate you, and make the arrangements for you. Most are bring your own alcohol or no alcohol at all.

So check it out if you want—can't hurt. Voyeurs are welcome for the most part—those who want privacy go to the private rooms. Most also seem to have websites with all the info you need to join plus the rules.

From Helena Settimana
Interesting observations—the notion that single men are unwelcome, and single women are—is diametrically opposed to what we have been told by organisers of a couple of the biggest clubs in Ontario. In their opinion, single women are very unwelcome because they tend to be emotionally needy and can cause too much disruption in the established pair bonds within the culture. Women club members tend to be pretty militant about single women joining the group. They don't like it at all. Unless a woman comes as a plaything "toy" of an established couple, or as a poly partner she isn't coming in any way. Actually, the only time I have encountered a single woman as a player has been when she had been hired for the event—never as a real single—she was a pro.

Men tend to be more low-maintenance in the view of couples I've talked with. They tend to do their business and leave. Still, few clubs are truly welcoming to single men either. Seems to indicate to me that they feel if there are too many men, they won't get laid, go home unhappy and that won't work and they don't tolerate bi men so what's the use? It's stacked in a way that gets the guys laid by women and the women laid by whomever they can find.

You are right on about no M/M stuff—one person (almost a foot taller) told my husband he would personally "kill" him if there was any of "that" (no chance anyway *G*). I find the whole scene to be homophobic—at least as far as men are concerned. Women on the other hand are almost expected to be bi. I think the double standard sucks. Even if women might crave multiple partners, I really feel that the whole scene is set up almost entirely for the pleasure and entertainment of het men who crave as well - but I'm willing to bet that some of those 'straight' men crave something else as well.

I live in hope of discovering a more open-minded circle. The first group we met was perhaps the most laid-back. I'd go back, but the organisers dropped out of sight after 9/11 (lost a friend and for obvious reasons). I just heard from them—they are ok and are getting back to business. I can always send a report.

Interesting, isn't it, how different groups within the culture can have such different opinions on singles, eh?

From Teri & Neil
We are in our fifties and thought we'd spice up our sex life with some swinging. We used a swingers web site for our first try, met two young couples, both staying with us for the weekend, very enjoyable introduction for me and hubby Neil to swinging. 

They recommended a club in Denver so we got round to trying it. Not as good as we thought it would be but we made two visits, the first shorter than the second, me meeting a young guy, going to a room where hubby was able to watch us thru a one way mirror. Our second visit was the following night, as it was a Saturday a bigger crowd, and we did two straight swaps with two other couples, both our age. 

We've tried swinging, we like it, swinging fits our lifestyle and we'll continue with it for the time being.

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